New Life After a Long Nightmare

I ran into three of my primary school classmates last Sunday at Zijingang Campus, whose mildest statement to me was You are not in your right mind. They were surprised to see me at ZJU and delighted to have a guide, describing me as a long-lost acquaintance.

For years, I’d been hearing lingering voices that repeated insults and abusive words from them and some of my other primary and junior middle school classmates. My parents told me multiple times that I had to reflect on myself, on why I didn’t have friends like other kids and why I always annoyed others, something other kids rarely did. I did reflect, and I came to the conclusion that I was good for nothing. I used to cry a lot, but my mother hated it and would hit me hard with knitting needles if I did so. So I learned to smile even while being punished.

All of these had led me down a path of self-harm. I began cutting myself when I was ten, hoping that the intense pain would offer me a sense of relief. For a long time no one had tried to stop me. I had no friends; I was estranged from my parents; and my teachers, from primary to senior middle school, tolerated such behaviour for whatever reason. As I grew older, I mostly ignored everyone and everything to avoid negative emotions, and it worked. Except being alone all the time, I looked like any other student.

For me, studying at ZJU was both an honour and a struggle. Anxiety about academic results and interpersonal relationships would occasionally drag me back into the nightmare of others’ abuse. I cut myself again one day and the School noticed. Two teachers talked with me for hours and introduced to me a psychologist. It was the first time that I felt my life was being taken seriously. They gave me a three-month leave of absence, during which I did nothing, thought nothing, and even did not study for my classes. Naturally, I had poor grades that semester, but I felt renewed and refreshed. Although I couldn’t forget what had happened, I began to appreciate the “here and now” and became interested in what was going on around me.

I no longer hurt myself in the last whole year, and the awful past began to have a positive impact on me. My sensibilities enable me to observe a specific group from within, to be aware of and reflect on the smallest details and the surroundings of the group, as well as each member’s every action, while also considering the impact of my own values and potential biases on the results. These, I believe, will be beneficial in my future study. More importantly, as someone who shares some experience with them and can understand their thoughts and needs, I can and am helping those who are still suffering from a mental health crisis.